Heart of a Torah Woman

Women Seeking His Kingdom

Walking in Torah, Loving our Families, Following Our Messiah

How to stop Yelling

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Good morning all! We look to be coming out of a cold snap and heading back into beautiful spring weather. The sun has been shining yesterday and again today. So lovely and a mood lifter.

Titus 2:3-5 references women to learn how to love your husband and children. How we speak to them is a huge part of loving them or not showing love to them. Our words and how we use them matter tremendously.

So many of us have or have had the bad habit of yelling at our loved ones. I used to be quite the yeller. I yelled a lot a long time ago. It was my first reaction to most things. It isn’t something I am proud of at all and am happy to say I no longer am like this. I still have my moments where I raise my voice a little and bring it back down but cannot remember the last time I actually all out yelled, except once and that was a very emotionally charged time that I wish I handled differently. Letting myself get to that point felt so incredibly terrible and probably worse than when I regularly was yelling. I worked hard not to and failed. I am determined to not ever do that again. It just wasn’t necessary and I felt like such a failure.

When you are a yeller and it is directed at your loved ones it just isn’t good. It feels terrible to be yelled at and it feels terrible to be the one who did it. Years ago I got so sick of being a yeller that I started putting in a lot more effort in controlling myself in that area. I wanted to stop and make real progress. By this point I did not yell as frequently as I once had but I still hated it. I hated feeling so bad after and seeing the looks on their faces and the body language of whoever got my wrath at that moment.

I did have some unrealistic but well intentioned goals. You have to realize that you will probably fail and still yell even though you set out to not do it the next time. Set high standards and give yourself grace because odds are that it will take some time. Be willing to repent and ask for forgiveness quickly, even if you only briefly yelled and stopped yourself. Any progress is good and sometimes we move forward then take a step back. Don’t forget to extend the same things you need during this transition into not being a yeller anymore also because it is a good reminder that whoever is doing something that isn’t good probably needs exactly what you need as well. Don’t stop putting in the effort because of failing, even if you are failing a lot. Just keep working at it and reading the Bible, praying, repenting and asking forgiveness. Some bad habits are very hard to break. You have to stick with it and you can overcome. Don’t use grace and knowing there will be times will fail as an excuse when do. Just keep moving forward.

So how do you stop yelling? First and foremost lots and lots of prayer. Another big thing is you need to figure out what it is that is helping to bring it out of you. Search your heart. For example, did a sibling or someone else do or say the types of things you are getting mad at and yelling about and it is bringing up bad feelings? Are you forgetting that your children or husband are not that same person? In full transparency, some of what I yelled about years and years ago were the types of things people did or said that I hated when I was younger. It was just really trivial things usually but at times my husband would say things like “you know, they aren’t the person who did those things. You are ascribing motives as well as taking out your old emotions on that kid or me.” I have never thought about things like that before but he knows so much about me and he recognized that was what was going on internally. Well that is not good but I think it is safe to assume I am not the only one who has done this. It is easy to get super annoyed when someone does something that just irritates you and react just the same as you might have prior.

Are you stressed out and taking out your struggles in others? Feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and no one cares? Feel like you are the only one doing things? Feeling taken advantage of or neglected? Those kinds of thoughts and emotions can easily get out of control and you just show how you feel by yelling at everyone. Is it really worth losing your cool and not displaying the fruits of the Spirit? Probably not. Yes it can feel super overwhelming at times. Your feelings could be accurate. Yelling because of it almost never really helps. Do we really need to make it so known angry and letting them have it because after all they deserve it? We need to search our hearts and be honest about it.

So think deeply about why this is what you do. Consider what brings this out. Are you just a hot head who loses her cool over the slightest thing? Are there underlying things bubbling up? Do you have a sin you feel guilty about or upset still struggle with and this is how it manifests? Are you taking things out on others that has nothing to do with them? Are you frustrated and don’t know how to change things for the better? The list can go on and on.

Are you getting to that point because of children not listening and they only listen once you yell? That isn’t good either. Put in the work to change that. I’ve been like that too and it didn’t have to be that way. We are training our children to respond to our yelling. Start working on being more normal with tone and voice and working towards not needing to yell to get actions from them. Remember that takes time and stick with it to not yell. Training them to be like that takes time to undo. It is worth it.

If your children and/or husband are going to be yelled at regardless of that they do or say they may not like it but will be willing to just endure it. This can be a big contributor for them not helping around the home or doing what you ask. This leads to tuning you out too. This kind of thing makes me think of it being better to be on a corner of a roof top than to dwell with a contentious woman. We would be the same way if we get this kind of treatment too. It is horrible to endure that. It definitely isn’t displaying Godly behavior.

If we tend to yell when we are yelled at what does that accomplish? Arguing like that never feels good. Oftentimes we feel rotten after having an argument. Not yelling back does not make you a doormat. It can take a lot more self control and righteousness to NOT yell in return. That can be incredibly hard. It can be far easier to raise your voice, get heated and yell back. Remember the proverb that points to a soft answer turns away wrath. Sometimes people will still just yell but we don’t need to in response in probably most circumstances.

If your children see and hear you yelling they could very well start doing it themselves. How can we really hold them to the standard of not yelling when we are doing it? If we don’t hold ourself to that standard how can we hold the kids to that? I’m speaking of examples and hypocrisy here. We don’t like it when our husband or others tell us not to do something they are. Be willing to hold yourself to the very standards you are holding others to.

When you feel yourself starting to want to yell or actually beginning to, just stop, breathe and refocus. If you have to and are able to walk away and calm down, do that. Then come back and deal with whatever it is. That can take an awful lot of restraint. Taking those moments to get out of that can make what happens next go very, very differently. I know how hard it can be but it does help a lot. Do you really enjoy seeing defeat, sadness and fear sometimes when you are yelling at your loved ones? If you do, you may need to search your heart as to why. We shouldn’t be hurting people just because they hurt us.

Again, WHY are you yelling? Stopping and making yourself come back to it in a better state of mind is far more productive.

None of this negates valid feelings and frustrations. None of this says it doesn’t matter. We aren’t told to display the fruits of the Spirit and copy our Messiah only when we feel like it. They aren’t suggestions.

Now this doesn’t mean that yelling is never ok. On the contrary, there are times that it is perfectly fine to. What matters is the reason and if it is necessary. That can be something we can stretch and say of course it is however, be honest in those moments. There will probably be times you feel entirely justified in doing so but let’s face it, it is more of wanting to let them have it.

I am not going to give a step by step how to. That doesn’t necessarily work. Searching our hearts, praying, studying scripture, internalizing the scriptures that apply, controlling our tongue and not unleashing fire to burn everything in its path, having accountability and putting in the hard work all make a big difference. In time you can see some great improvement.

Not every situation is the same so I could never cover all of it or even honestly know off hand how to handle it all. Overall, these things make a huge difference. A lot of when we yell we really don’t need to be. Sure, when you are angry and especially hurt it can feel natural and completely justified in yelling at someone. Is it really necessary? Only you can truly answer that and honesty about it matters. It isn’t always as simple of just quickly saying of course it is justified. Oftentimes it is our emotions dictating how we want to react or justifying our actions and words. Yah sees it all and He knows if you are truly being honest. If you think it is ok for you too in certain moments but not ok for others to do to you in pretty similar situations that could be a good indicator of what is right or wrong.

I’m not saying this is going to be easy. It takes work. Overcoming and stopping to be a yeller is such a wonderful thing. People respect and listen to you better. Getting past that makes you more pleasant to be around. Let’s face it, no one enjoys getting yelled at and if a someone is the kind to yell about everything who is going to want to put up with them? We don’t like when we feel broken or someone making us feel two inches high so we can work on not doing that to others.

If you slip up and do yell repent, ask for forgiveness and apologize. Make it known you are trying and what you want to improve. Apologies go a long way. Acknowledging how it feels for them goes a long way too. Make it known your love for them and desire to do better. A hug helps in these moments too.

Having some accountability helps. If you have close friends to talk to and help you stay on track that is good. My husband hates being yelled at, he was like that when we met. From the beginning about 24 years ago he always told me not to yell at him and talk to him normally. (He always has had a disclaimer that if he “deserved” it he would take it). He hates it when people yell just to yell and has never done this to me. I know how it feels like to be yelled and screamed at. When he would remind me not to yell it did help me sometimes even recognize that I was starting to do it. I didn’t always even notice that was what I was doing way back then. It helped keep me grounded in that way and made it easier to get less and less.

Pay attention to how you sound and your volume. Naturally I have a big voice easily. I can get kinda loud and not even be yelling. Especially when I am passionate about something. It drives me crazy at times and is something I have decided to really work on too. If someone is a few feet from you, you don’t need to be loud, oh boy tone it down girl lol.

So I hope these thoughts and ideas help you on your journey to be known as someone who doesn’t yell. Stay in prayer and study that is relevant from within Bible and all the other things I mentioned.

Search your heart and remember it can be so very deceitful. You can do this and make a lot of improvement and is worth the effort. Don’t beat yourself up. Start where you are at and go from there! May your efforts be blessed! You’ve got this!

Until next time!

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