Heart of a Torah Woman

Women Seeking His Kingdom

Walking in Torah, Loving our Families, Following Our Messiah

“You know better” we say that to others but consider…

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Hey ladies! I have no idea how this came into my head last day or so. I must have heard something or had a discussion and it came up. I seriously can’t remember. But I do remember a lightbulb going off yesterday I think it was.

When our children especially but also others do undesirable things, what often gets said to them or about them?

“You know better”

A lightbulb went off when I was thinking about that and discussing it. I’ll get into that after a few things first.

Our children can know better and still choose to do wrong. They can be rebellious, stuck in a bad attitude, do something that is not wise at all or any number of other things.

It can drive us nuts and frustrate us beyond anything at times. It can get overwhelming.

We can rack our brains trying to contemplate why they still did something. They can look right at you and do exactly what they know you told them not to do. They can go somewhere you told them not to. They can make bad decisions. They can be mouthy even though they know there will be consequences. Why oh why?

I could keep going but I assume I am making my point.

We tell them or say to others “you know better”.

Guess who says the same thing and to whom?

Me to myself!

How often have we sinned or done something we knew better not to? How often do we do behave in a manner that we feel terrible after we said or did something? How often have we in a moment of weakness, frustration, overwhelm, anger or any other time given in and did it anyways? How often have we looked at someone and did exactly what we knew they didn’t like or talk to them in a manner we knew was not called for?

We sometimes do things that we must repent of and maybe even need to apologize. We want our Father to respond lovingly and forgiving to us. We want more than anything for Him to show us mercy and not punish us severely. We want to feel like we know we can go to Him when we mess up and He won’t freak out. We know we won’t get yelled at.

That doesn’t mean that there won’t be consequences. Of course sometimes our actions bring them. But we desperately want to be forgiven and still loved. He never pushes us away and never refuses to let us come to Him.

He knew “we knew better” and still chose to do what we know we shouldn’t have.

We knew we knew better.

It feels awful when you mess up and especially when it was on purpose or in the heat of the moment or in anger or whatever else we were in at that time. We know we mess up and want God and the person or people who were affected, that we want them to be shown grace, mercy, forgiveness, peace, love, and whatever else we need.

So when you child is acting up, being rebellious, being disrespectful, not listening or what ever else that is hard to deal with, just is overwhelming or you just don’t know how to handle it why not try different approaches?

Why not stop and be reminded of how Yah is with us and what we hope to get from Him and others?

No one “deserves” His grace, mercy or forgiveness. We have done nothing and we can do nothing to earn it. He freely gives it.

This should be our mindset. Freely you have received and freely you shall give. We are freely given those things from God so we should freely give it.

After all, if what you have been doing isn’t working or you know maybe it does work when you yell and get angry but you don’t like that that is what it takes?

I think of how people and often women about their husbands says they have to earn their respect. Wow just wow, no! We have done nothing, not once to where we “earned” anything from God. We should never have to earn someone’s anything. I don’t want to have to earn my family’s love so why do they have to earn anything from me?

That doesn’t mean at times trust or something else can be damaged and have to work at that. But seriously, who do we women think we are that we tell our family that they have to in effect “earn” something from us. I don’t mean that to sound harsh. I know how some of this is and I don’t believe it is always on purpose but that is what it in effect basically means.

  • You made me mad so you earned getting yelled at
  • You were lazy so you earned me treating you nasty
  • You aren’t listening so you deserve this scowling and yelling
  • You didn’t do your chores right so you now get my wrath because you should have just done it right
  • You gave me an attitude so now I give one back
  • I’m in a bad mood so therefore I can take it out on anyone in my way

These are just a few examples. Now I am not saying that it is easy dealing with a moody teenager or a walk in the park handling a toddler who is looking right at you and deliberately doing the opposite of what you said and possibly with a smile on their face.

Not. At. All

But what I am saying is we can control our actions and reactions.

If your child is only responding to yelling or even an angry face or both that really ought to be changed. They have been trained that that is when you mean business. Of course there are moments that it is necessary but most of the time those are not the best options. However, working on not making angry faces and not yelling is a good goal. It may take awhile but you can change what they respond to. Now that doesn’t mean you have to have a cheerful smile and be peppy when disrespect and disobedience is happening. Oh man, no. But start working on requiring listening regardless. You can require better behavior or get their attention onto something else and stop the undesirable behavior.

You can absolutely still make known you are not happy with their behavior but that doesn’t change your love for them. They need to know you will not withdraw your love for them. Be very quick to forgive them and show them kindness, affection and love. They need to know when they have to change a behavior. There are ways to deal with it and require an adjustment without flying off the handle. We don’t have to make it known they messed up and now we are angry. A child should never have to earn our love and affection. We should never stop them from a hug or a good cry. Now I am not talking about true manipulation and I am not talking about fake sorries to get you off their back. But we must never withdraw love and all the other qualities we need to be showing.

When our son was probably about twelve or somewhere around there he did something that really annoyed me and I was not happy. I didn’t yell but I WHISPERED what I had to say. Boy did that get his attention. I was in serious mode and me doing that stopped him in his tracks. I did not feel the need to yell. It threw him way off but he responded to that and stopped whatever it was. I didn’t even show anger. What a difference in my approach at that moment and in his response to me. It was weird but good lol.

You see, when we only really deal with something when we get to an angry point and give angry faces and/or yell then we are training them to respond to that. You know what else they may be being trained in them for later in life?

Their own relationships and their relationship with God. They will learn to be the same way to their future spouses and your future grandkids. Think long term. Do you want them treating their family’s like that? Do you want them to keep God at arms length because they are not sure if He will accept their repentance or them? After all, if they mess up and learned anger is the response there is a good chance they will expect the same from God.

Changing these things can be hard. There will be battles but you can change them. You can influence. It will take family some getting used to. You have trained kids to respond to those things so stick with not doing them. My yelling and patience writing and podcast episodes gives ideas how to work on them. I will cover more topics as time goes on too. Like anger and getting control over that and better at self control.

We want our kids to learn and live the fruits of the spirit. If we aren’t working on exhibiting them, then they can not copy what isn’t being modeled.

We also don’t have to come down on the kids and husband every single time they act up or upset. It will be relative to situations. Sometimes all they need is mercy and forgiveness. If you do those at times instead of giving them a hard time or punish them, it makes a huge impact. Sometimes we can let it go, discuss it and talk about it in a kind manner and make known you are showing them mercy because sometimes we need to do that to just like God does for us. Not everything needs our “wrath”.

Don’t throw mistakes in kids or husbands faces after deal with them. It isn’t good and we don’t like it when it is done to us.

Try to remember that generally people don’t not listen to us and disobey with maliciousness. Yes on purpose sometimes and that is really annoying. Have we been guilty of that too? Do we like being reminded of those moments that we did these very same things?

Sometimes a child needs a lecture and a scolding but HOW are we doing it? There is a lecture and scolding and then there is a LECTURE and SCOLDING. It matters how we do them.

Imagine if when we “sinned big” or “really messed up” if Yah yelled at us or lectured us to tell us how terrible we are and how much we hurt Him?

The golden rule of treating others how you would want to be treated is a good indicator how to handle something.

Even when that teenager is doing things that you are baffled how on earth they could do them or treat you and family so badly. These are the moments that they need love the most. Of course there will need to be consequences at times. Taking those really hard times and still trying to kindly figure out what is going on and still showing a love and respect of them as a person goes a long way. You don’t have to respect what they are doing or saying to show a basic respect. Yeshua did not ever treat someone terribly just because they did something terrible. He showed love, mercy, compassion and so many other beautiful traits to people who most people would not be kind to. After all they deserve it right?! How would Yeshua handle it? We see His example in His Word. There is plenty there.

Yeshua didn’t even respond let alone yell when He was spat on. He didnt come back at people who were incredibly disrespectful to Him. He saved the snide remarks for the Spiritual leadership who were hypocritices and we all know how He dealt with the money changers at the Temple.

The examples are there. Now humanly it isn’t as easy to live it out. It can be incredibly hard. Some days are far harder than others.

Love is he answer to everything. Even the woman who was caught in adultery was shown respect, love, compassion and mercy. He didn’t even judge her and told her to go and sin more. How many of us would respond to that like that?

So consider… we all “know better” and sometimes we do some pretty serious things. We still want to be loved without conditions, treated with respect, shown mercy, compassion, forgiveness, kindness and much more. There certainly are many “if….thens” but Yah does not love us with condition like humans can. We need to be doing our best to obey Him but he doesn’t withdraw all His traits because we mess up. He loved us first when we were still yet in our sins. Why not do our best to do these things when others are not at their best?

Until next time!

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