Heart of a Torah Woman

Women Seeking His Kingdom

Walking in Torah, Loving our Families, Following Our Messiah

What is Submission in Action?

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Hey ladies. Boy what a week, again. Seems like this time of year always has a lot going on. Can’t complain though. I pray you have a wonderful, productive and blessed week ahead.

So submission. This has become viewed as a bad word. The world has misunderstood, misused and abused authority and perverted marriages. This has been contributing to most running from this concept and has all kinds of colorful names for it. It is hated. Most things that are of Yah are.

Much of our walk, including submitting to our husbands involves our attitudes. Our attitudes when we do or don’t do things is so important. Going through the motions and having a rotten attitude is not enough. Would we like it if our husbands tell us they love us but have an unloving attitude? That wouldn’t feel very good, would it? So many of the issues and problems we have is not just simply the thing at hand, yet is also our attitude, facial expressions, reactions and misunderstandings. Something can go better or worse based on those very things.

I love this quote from my husband regarding living marriage Biblically . “It is based off the assumption that both parties are actively striving to live and walk according to truth and the way. The whole point is supposed to be walking together towards the same goal.”

*Inset paragraph from July 2023- I forgot to even consider adding this tidbit when I originally wrote this but recently heard another woman share she did it and then I remembered I never shared in this post my experience doing the exact same thing. -ASK your husband his thoughts, desires, expectations and what it means to him. I did many years ago along with my deep dive study and prayers and talks with him. He absolutely surprised me just like the woman I heard was when she asked hers. We tend to put so much pressure on ourselves and we can be way off base with what we think our husbands expectations are from us. It really is confusing to understand what it means like she and many other woman have said. I think this is very important so I wanted to add that here too it truly makes a huge difference when we ask this simple question. It can be nerve wracking to also ask their opinion if they think we are actually Biblically submitting- nerve wracking can be an understatement and I have done this many times too. We regularly talk about even things like this, sometimes missing the mark and other times doing much better than thought. Conversations are so important and good to do. It may not look the same for every couple and may not even be possible to the same degree even. Figure out what is successful for you to do better and grow as you learn to navigate conversations. *

If Yeshua didn’t treat someone the way we might or view another like we sometimes can, that is a massive indicator not to. He treated women much differently than the culture at His time did. He never gave any indication that abuse or mistreatment was ok. He never ever even remotely hinted women were under the authority of her husband by Yah to be misused and abused however a man wanted to. The authority husbands have has parameters that He expects them to uphold. In fact there are many verses that shows how wrong society was towards them. He was a servant to others and never expected to be served. He was a servant leader. He valued women and left so many examples of how we should be treated. He showed very high standards to strive to copy.

The standards are high for us too. It is not all on our husbands. We don’t have free reign to behave and treat him however we feel like. We should never treat husband as beneath us or as a bumbling fool who can not function with out us. How we treat him matters. Our attitudes and facial expressions are important. How do we talk to him? We have high standards to copy too. We have parameters as well that we are expected to maintain.

Both a husband and wife will be held accountable for how we behave in our marriages and within our families. Our interactions within our family are not trivial.

Women often end up trying to be “more submissive” when having marital issues and it doesn’t always work so they give up and throw the idea out completely. Can you blame them? No one is defining what it means. So many of us think ok, if I just shut up more, do as I am told, just try to please my husband and submitting more that will make things better. Problem is that it doesn’t always work. Especially when sin is involved.

When asking for help in marriages, women often get the generic answer of “just submit to your husband”. While that is true that we should be, we are left frustrated since we aren’t told what that actually means.

I remember being told that while trying to figure out life as a young wife, a new mom and a new believer all at once. I had no background with the concept of submission so I asked lots of questions and barely got any answers. Many of the women I have talked with have been left just as confused.

So I began studying it deeply for myself many years ago with lots of bumps along the way. Many errors were made. I still learn things. I am not the same wife I was just about twenty years ago or even five years ago. I want to do better and always want to grow so I regularly study things like this. Even when it is a fruit of the Spirit, because it all applies.

I sometimes am saddened by the things I see out there for views of the place of men and women in marriage and society.

Yes, Yah did design men and women with differences. Whether you call them roles or not is irrelevant.

Understanding a woman’s place in life, marriage, family and Yahs plan is important to correctly viewing proper submission to our husbands. There are so many examples and hints throughout the entire Bible.

We can not change anyone so no matter how much we “submit” sometimes it might not make a bit of difference. That doesn’t change Yahs plan though.. Being less contentious certainly could make a difference as well as not being brash, bossy and mean. Our conduct has the potential to win a spouse over. Those are good things to work on anyways but if it doesn’t help a situation when you whole heartedly try, that isn’t on you.

Sitting down, shutting up and just doing as we are told is not what this is supposed to be. We are not here to be doormats. The point of submission is not meant to be the wives being micromanaged and asking for permission for everything. We are not here merely to be our husbands slaves. Being a helpmeet does not mean we are supposed to just be mindless drones. Yet, if you were to have a conversation with many women especially and some men, this is what the view of it is. No wonder there are women and their husbands who sometimes don’t want this in their marriage. No woman wants to live like this and no good man who truly loves his wife would want to treat her that way.

We have to learn how to correctly handle our husbands, act and react towards them. I deeply feel that most men don’t want to micromanage and oppress their wives.

The woman described in Proverbs 31 is trusted by her husband… that means she is left alone to do what she does. She clearly is not micromanaged. This woman has strong character and takes care of her family. Being called blessed implies that she is not tromping around miserable and mean making her husband want to hide on their rooftop. She would be building up her home not tearing it down. Her husband is known in the gates and they are not looked down upon, which means they work together and treat each other well. That is how this is supposed to work.

Submission does entail being quiet when we want to run our mouths. It does entail stopping poor behavior when brought to our attention. It does mean we stop when we are asked or told to stop something. It does mean we do what is asked of us. What good does it do if we are just being contentious and want to argue? Is it good to be nasty when not getting our way? A wise wife knows how to be heard without being that wife who tears down her house or making her husband feel the need to hide on a the housetop.

We won’t always do these well and we will need grace, mercy and forgiveness. Just like our husbands will not always lead right and will need them from us as well.

I understand that sometimes spouses do not value and treat the other well. That is something that makes my heart heavy and very sad. That does not change Yah’s plan though. The design Yah set forth isn’t supposed to be misused with the authority He gave the husbands or their wives walking all over them and wives aren’t supposed to be contentious, bossy and mean or just quiet door mats who don’t use their brain. All the different situations could never be covered here and sometimes intervention or help is needed. I’m covering overall the intent of what submission is supposed to be like.

Getting into these horrible views of women is one way to go down a wrong path of what being in “submission” to our husbands looks like. Also putting women too high of a view above men can have the same effect. Both can lead to rebellion. We are equal in value to Yah. However, our designs are different and they are glorious.

This is also why we must teach our daughters to be picky who they marry. Instill in them to not settle. Women need to know thoroughly who it is they plan to marry. Yes I understand sometimes people can change. However, don’t settle and wind up in a bad situation because you didn’t deep dive prior.

Ours sons need to know how to value their future wife. He must be picky too. He should also avoid a woman who is contentious or have a Jezebel spirit among other things.

Both must truly learn how to value, love and respect the other. No one is of more worth and value.

Marriage isn’t supposed to be selfish. Neither should be tyrannical or abusive. Neither should be intentionally hurtful. Neither should be demanding. Neither should expect to only be served.

Now, women being subject to our own husbands is also good for us in other ways! It shows others that a woman is not in subjection to OTHER men. Only to her own husband. No other man has authority over her. No other man can demand anything of her. No other man has any ability to tell her what to do or anything else over her just because he is a man.

Brethren are to be submissive to each other but clearly they don’t have authority over each other. You submit to their needs, serve and esteem them better than yourself.

Husbands and wives submit to each other as well. You put their needs ahead of your own. You work together, support each other, edify one another and encourage each other in life and in your own walks with Yah.

Every husband should have his wife’s and children’s best interests at heart as well as the wife should for her husband and children.

A submissive wife is not bossy, demeaning, disrespectful, nasty, mouthy, rebellious, or demanding. She doesn’t throw a fit when she doesn’t get her way. She isn’t a doormat or weak either. She is trustworthy, kind, gentle, loving, helpful, supportive and the like. She has strong character. She can make good decisions. She can get her point across without making her husband feel the need to hide from her. If he needs to make a decision she doesn’t like, for the most part, she keeps her mouth shut and trusts he is trying and trusts Yah. Notice I said “for the most part”. There are caveats. I know that. Generally you married him because you loved him and wanted to spend your life with him, do you not trust him? If not, pray and do what can to help in best way possible. If you trust your husband, then who cares if he made a decision that needed to be made you might not like? Many of those women who get upset don’t mind when they make a decision their husband doesn’t like. He gets told “suck it up” and called names by many. Generally it can be rare he would have to do that anyways. To say every decision has to be made together or it doesn’t get made isn’t always possible. There are many scenarios that would apply. Emergencies for one stands out. What about if it comes to bills, groceries, kids education or other things needing a decision right now? Not everything can sit and wait until come to agreement. That isn’t how life works. Ideally not being able to come to a decision would be very rare. Working together is the point and coming to agreement is the goal.

Ideally it is great making decisions together. It is quite rare for my husband to make one without me. Sometimes he has to and tells me after. There have even been times I HAD to make decisions and told him after. We have had conversations about all kinds of things like this. That is not him being tyrannical when he does without me or when we don’t agree and I am not being rebellious when I had to without him. I trust him and he trusts me.

How we handle him doing something or making a decision we don’t like or might not agree with is where the rubber meets the road. How do we handle that? Chances are it isn’t something super serious. Are we still respectful even though we don’t agree or are we loud, irritated and now we have to make it known? Are we mean and vow to never let him do it again? Does intimacy get withheld because we didn’t like something? Does it now gets used to try to manipulate to get our way? Is withholding used to hurt? If he doesn’t want to hear something, do we still insist when it isn’t absolutely necessary? If he says not to do something do we do it anyways? If he asks us to do something do we ignore him? Do we try to manipulate him to get our way? Things like this applies too. How we handle and treat him matters. (Just like honoring us entails so much as well).

I once heard advice given by an older woman to a younger woman soon to be married that shocked and appalled me it was uttered. “Let him be in charge and make the decisions so that way when things go wrong it is his fault” That was a number of years ago and although I am not surprised that was their thinking, I was completely baffled that was actually said. No! Just no! That is not the point.

How all of it works together will be different for every marriage. Some will look very different. That is their business. You do what works for your marriage. You know each other’s strengths and weaknesses. He is the head and you are his helpmeet. It works together beautifully when lived out the best we can.

A wise husband will seek his wife’s input and get her thoughts. Which means that his wife should be gaining wisdom and not being a nag, drip or contentious. A wise wife won’t be treating her husband like he is beneath her or incapable of making decisions. They should work together treating each other with love and respect.

No one should be demanding anything.

No one should be being abusive in any way.

Serving should be mutual.

Be each other’s biggest cheerleaders.

Love and respect are key to treating each other well.

Happy and smiling instead of grumpy and tromping around make huge differences.

Submission should be mutual but that does not negate husband being the head. A wise husband will submit to his wife’s good ideas or work together to make something even better. A wise wife will know when to be quiet and when to speak up.

Yahs design is beautiful and should never be used to hurt, abuse or misused.

We all have a part to play. Love and respect goes both ways. Serving goes both ways. Esteeming each other better than ourselves goes both ways.

Husbands and wives will be held accountable for how they treat each other. Prayers can be hindered when a husband is mistreating his wife. He is to honor her. That is some seriously high standards.

Remember that unrepented sin makes it so Yah does not hear prayers. If we are behaving in a sinful manner towards our families, our prayers don’t get heard either. We need to be mindful and doing our best as well. We will have days and even seasons we will fall flat on our faces, ouch and ugh. Always repent, apologize when should, dust yourself off and try to do better. Don’t forget to give yourself, grace, mercy and forgiveness as well. Having hard days and failing does not make US failures. We can do better and keep moving forward.

Remember you are a daughter of Yah and your husband is a son of Yah. You are either treating well or treating poorly a child of Yah. Think very carefully how you will interact with them. As humans we don’t like seeing our kids mistreated and not heeding us. How much more does this apply for our Father in Heaven?

Are we making it easier or harder for ourselves and our husbands to make it to His Kingdom?

Until next time









One response to “What is Submission in Action?”

  1. RachelE. Avatar

    I will have to come back to this one when my brain is more…uh…awake?

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