Hey all! I hope this finds you doing well and that this is thought provoking for things to consider when working with our children. You will see that I reference things that would fall under special needs, that is near and dear to me and for some reason, I did not use that phrase in either article that I can think of off hand. So please, keep that in mind for some of the things I referenced in both articles. I pray this is a blessing.
Today’s post is a two-part article that appeared in the The Modern Day Homemaker
Part 1
Manners and good habits mean different things to different people. How we build them within our families might be a little or a lot different depending on the culture, family, needs, country, and other factors that are important to us.
Some examples could be washing your hands before you eat and touching food, closing your mouth while you eat, being polite, not being disrespectful, not being rude, using outdoor voices outside, and saying please and thank you; the list can go on and on.
If you look up definitions, you will find that manners consist of a person’t way of behaving toward others, social behavior, and habits that show respect for others’ needs, comfort, and feelings.
We can display them in good and not-so-good ways that affect others and ourselves in positive or negative ways.
Our Creator has given us the keys to raising well-mannered kids. I believe that if we know what is important to Him, it will lead us to be able to live out a life where others will notice the courtesy and good conduct that brings glory to the Father and His Son. After all, we are overall either being a good ambassador for Him or not.
Ecclesiastes 12:13 states “Fear YHWH and keep His commandments for this is the whole duty of man”. In Proverbs 31, the woman described is called blessed by her family, and she fears YHWH. These give me pause, and I am reminded of Lev 19:18, Deut 6:1, 3-4, and Matt 22:3-40. The two greatest commandments are to love God and love your neighbor as yourself. On these two hang all the law and prophets.
Our lives revolve around what we do, say and think. They either show love and respect towards Him and others or they do not. The same can be said about our neighbors. Love is an action word that reveals our hearts. Thank the Father for His grace, mercy, forgiveness, and salvation He has freely given us.
Our Responsibility We have a responsibility to take care of His creation and represent His Name in ways that are pleasing to Him and bring glory to His Name. He wants us to bear fruit worthy of repentance. Our Habits and manners are manifested throughout our day-to-day interactions. How we treat and talk to others is a big part of them.
Are we holding ourselves to the same standards we hold everyone else to? Especially regarding our family. Are we being just or unjust in our measuring? We have the parable of the unforgiving servant as one example of how important this is to our Creator. Notice he was called wicked then reminded of the mercy and forgiveness he was shown but did not grant to a fellow servant. This shows the importance of “forgive us as we forgive others,” and in Micah 6:8 , we see He desires mercy and justice from us.
It is easier for our children to grow in character when they observe us strive to do so as well. We cannot live or teach our children what we do not know. We have to be in our Bibles and in prayer a lot and not justify ourselves for why we do not do something. He shows us things in His perfect timing and the way that is best for us. We cannot be demanding more from others faster and deeper than we ourselves have- that is unjust. We can do this without tolerating sin and bad attitudes. We need wisdom, discernment,, and remembering there is a time for everything as in Ecc 3:1-8. We are not the ones who open our eyes, minds, and hearts. That is the Father’s job. We should be very careful how we go about doing this even within our family. The fruit of the Spirit is extended toward us more than we might like to admit, and we need to be extending them to others as well. They need us to treat them the same way we expect to be treated and what the Father expects from us. Matt 7:12-14 reminds us of that commandment.
We set the pace and example for good behavior. They are watching and learning from us. When we stumble and mess up (which will happen) they need to see us living out not being full of pride, but repenting, forgiving, being merciful, showing grace, striving to be just, and much more. Children learn what they live, and hopefully, we can make their walk with our Creator and their future relationships easier. May they choose to do and be better than we did and are.
Here are some topics to consider to teach our children so that when they grow up, they will not depart from it- Prov 22:6. This is not an exhaustive list but is a start to building desirable habits and manners:
- The fruit of the Spirit
- The fear of the Lord is…
- The 10 commandments
- The Sermon on the Mount
- The weightier matters
- Love God/YHWH/The Lord
- Love your neighbor
- Love one another
- Blessed are/is
- Be careful to keep/do/observe
- Remember
- Repent(ance)
- Justice
- Mercy
- Deeds/works/fruit
- Righteousness
- Obedience
What is inside our hearts is what comes out. It takes a lifetime to develop these traits. We need to remember that our children need these from us as well. If we meet them with a “hammer” every time they make a mistake, we could be making it much harder for them. Keeping in mind our growth with our manners, and conduct, and how long some of it took us will helps us be able to work with our children in ways that can bear good fruit. They will mess up; they will embarrass us at times, have poor table manners, behave rudely, give an attitude, not listen to us, be unkind, and chew food with their mouth open to name a few. It can drive us crazy sometimes, but it would be wise to remember that we still sometimes do them to others and our Creator. There are many Proverbs and scriptures that guide us in how to handle those not-so-rosy moments. Patience is necessary and can be hard to extend sometimes. We have a Creator we can go to, Who gave us His Word to dive into. Not every child, family, and circumstance is the same, and the ages dictate a lot of what we teach and how we will handle those interactions.
What we are doing now will have a direct impact on our grandchildren. The better we do, the better it can be for them. We should not take that lightly. How we treat others matters to the Father.
For our children to have a better chance at building good habits and manners, they need to see us model them. If we do not want them to yell, we should not. If we want to see them be forgiving and get along with their siblings, they need to see our example of living that way. Again, they learn what they live, and it is unjust to expect behavior from them that we do not display. It is impossible and unrealistic to expect that we will do this exactly right all the time but when we fall short- the actions, reactions, and words spoken produce good or bad fruit. They and we need lots of practice. We can make it fun to teach them the things that are important to us- through tea parties, playing games, reading together, library trips, making crafts, singing songs- the list is endless.
- Are we willing to apologize with genuine repentance?
- Are we forgiving?
- Are we merciful?
- Are we just?
- Do we extend grace?
- Do we expect perfection from children who are just that, children and not little adults?
We know better, and they are still learning and have not had as long as we have to work on these characteristics. Are we actually creating an environment where they are always met with the proverbial hammer which can lead to them fearing now and later on in life that the Father is just waiting with a stick to smack them back down? He is not, and neither should we.
The Goal Oh, to hear “Well done my good and faithful servant”. May we never stop seeking His Kingdom- Matt 6:33 and diligently talk to children- Deut 6:7. That is huge in how they learn and grow. The day-to-day interactions that are not only happening when they fall short and get in trouble and talked at. Let us walk in the Spirit and concern ourselves also with the weightier matters. What is important to the Father and Messiah ought to be important to us. Let us not neglect these things and produce good fruit that is pleasing to Them.
Part 2
Manners and good habits are very loaded topics that we could discuss endlessly. Tucked inside the December edition in Part One, where we spoke about how these can mean different things to different people, and how things like culture, needs, family, past trauma, adoption, individual challenges, and where one lives all play a role. We also touched on how we help our children grow while growing ourselves.
So many things regarding manners are basic that almost everyone would probably agree on. It is okay to have differences, which can vary widely culturally and even within families. What might be considered polite or rude to some could be the exact opposite to another. It is a good idea to review overall what is considered rude or polite when traveling or visiting new places. Some things do not define good character but do matter in interactions with others in some cases.
So, I guess they are related but do not by themselves prove a good or bad character. It all comes down to respect…
Do we have it for others, or not? We all have had our times, I assume, when others thought we were rude and we had no idea that was how we came across. Showing grace, mercy, and kindness to these kinds of differences is a good idea. The sooner our kids learn this, the better their interactions with others will be. I am obviously not referring to things that are wrong or oppressive. I also am not saying to ignore things that go against what the Creator would want from us regarding manners, habits and behaviors. We know some things are important to Him, like treating others well and showing respect for them.
Nor everyone who is rude in our eyes is doing things on purpose or being uncaring. Even people who may be considered rude could use some grace. For example, chewing with an open mouth is a big issue for a lot of people who believe it is disgusting, rude, obnoxious, etc. However, what if someone has pain, a sore that hurts, a deformity of the mouth, braces or another orthodontic devices that may make it difficult to chew with a closed mouth?
What about someone who has less control, understanding, or cognition? What if this person was never taught proper manners? do we treat them poorly, look down on them, or get disgusted? Do we think of ourselves as better than them?
Those are all not good ways to respond to most things. We all fall short of the glory of God. We ought to always keep that in mind. No one is better than any other. We are all made in His image. Teaching these things to our children is a wonderful learning experience.
Remembering that circumstances and situations truly can affect habits and manners is good practice. Do we hold a child who has less ability to understand these things to the same standard as another who has no mental barriers? Should we consider someone rude or less civilizes because they are unaware of the proper utensil or dish to use? Not everyone has the means to have these things or to practice them either.
We would be wise to keep in mind the needs of our children as we work with them, as well as their age and ability to undertand. It would be quite unfair to hold a toddler or a child with less ability to understand things to the same standards as everyone else. Of course, some things are wrong but we have to help them to the degree that we can, so that they can learn.
As we are teaching our children how to build habits and manners, we should grasp all opportunities to remind, reinforce, practice, and help them to live these lessons out in their day-to-day lives.
Gently showing and reminding them will help build good habits. It takes time to learn things. We should not tell them what is expected once, and then never or rarely bring it up again. We know what it is like to try to remember things and work towards improvement. Most of the time, I believe. our kids are not intentionally forgetting their manners or habits they are trying to build. We know what it is like to try and break bad habits. We need patience, kindness, gentleness, grace, mercy. forgivness, and more, so let us be sure to extend them as well.
When trying to ge the kids to learn good manners that become a habit, practicing with them is good. If you want them to learn better table manners, pretending with a tea party is a good practice for little ones and can be a lot of fun. Perhaps, talking about what is desireable with them and why something is or is not. Let them practice, and show them what is expected without only pointing out what they do wrong. Ask them what they think is good or not so good. Depending on their age and ability to understand, ask them why or why not. But, do these without making it miserable or barking orders at them. The point is to help the, not make them feel inadequate.
How we treat people is where the rubber meets the road. This is where our character comes out. Children need to be taught the difference between being kind or unkind, being mean or nice, showing compassion or being harsh, being selfish or sefless, and the list can go on and on. Refer to Part One in the edition mentioned above for ideas to consider and to teach.
If we do not want our kids to bully amyone, we should not do it either. If we do not want our kids to yell at others and they do, we should ask ourselves if they learned that from us…
Our examples speak much louder to them than harping on them or demanding they behave in certain ways when we do not. That does not help them to do better. We can make it harder for them when they see us living out the very things that we tell them not to do. If we tell them kindness matters, but they rarely see us being kind, we are not walking our own talk.
What are the standards we hold ourselves to? Do we hold our children to highter standards? do we make statements like “You are the child and you do as I say” while thinking it does not matter what we do? The fact is, it does matter. They should be listening, absolutely, but are we being a stumbling block to them?
I realize that some parents set wonderful examples, yet end up with rebellious, ill-behaved children. The point is, that we should be striving to be the best we can be and hold ourselves to high standards. Now, we ought to be realistic about ourselves and our family. Sometimes we set ourselves up for failure because we have completely unrealistic standards. Nobody is flawless. There will be days, weeks, and seasons when will not be doing so well. These are times of grace. We do not want to inadvertantly cause our youth to feel like they will never measure up or be good enough.
So, talk often and practice, practice, practice what you would like to instill in them that is good. When they fall short, first evaluate and consider the proper response. We all can be quite hard on ourselves at times and know that we did not do well. When they are convicted of poor manners and bad habits, how do we respond? Consider how we want others and our Father to respond to us.
Remind them what their responsibilities are in interactions. Help them to see how to respond to those with different abilities and ages. Manners are a big part of interactions with others.
I could never cover all the manners, habits, situations, circumstances but I do hope that this gives others pause in their interactions and how to work with our kiddos. We all have our moments that we do not do so great. We all have moments when we are rockin’ it. Let us cotinue to striving towards the goal.
Remember our hope to hear “Well done my good and faithful servant”. May we never stop seeking His Kingdom (Matt 6:33) and diligently talk to children (Deut 6:7). That helps them learn and grown. Let us walk in the Spirit and concern ourselves also with the weightier matters. What is important to the Father and Messiah ought to be important to us. Let us not neglect these things and work to produce good fruit that is pleasing to Them.
Until next time…
